Coming back to changed relationships after the winter break
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3 minute read
Alice Wilsonis a CBT Therapist and Head of Mental Health and Wellbeing at Birmingham City University. She has a background working both in the NHS and in Higher Education.
It is not unusual for relationships to have changed or feel different when you get back after the winter break, but there are things you can do to help you settle back into uni life.
When students return to university, after the winter break, they can sometimes be surprised to find that relationships with friends seem or feel different to how they remembered them. Usually, this settles down pretty quickly as everyone finds their way back into rhythm with each other, but sometimes it may require some adjustment in your expectations and how you relate to each other.
There are a number of reason why relationships can feel different after the winter break
You will have all had different experiences during the break and these experiences will have an effect on how you are each feeling and so will impact your behaviour. This can mean people seem to be different to how they were when you last saw them.
Some people may have decided they want to do this term differently - maybe they want to focus on academic work more or to take up new social opportunities. It doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends but you may have to adjust what you do together.
You or your friends may not feel good about coming back - the first term is new and exciting. That may have worn off by now, meaning some of you just aren’t as excited to do things together. You or they may also be missing home
Your memories and expectations may have altered while you were away. Our memories aren’t accurate records of the past - they can be changed each time we recall them. As a result, your memories of your time with your friends may have become rose-tinted. When this happens reality and your expectations will be different and that can be surprising and disconcerting
Some planning and taking some action can help you be more agile in making any necessary adjustments.
Stay in contact with your friends during the break
You could use whatever platform works to help you stay in regular contact with friends. That way you will better understand what is happening in everyone’s lives and reconnecting after the break may feel easier. Be aware that time with family, may mean some of your friends have less time to spend communicating with you and try not to read too much into any silences.
Arrange to spend some time with your university friends or flatmates when you get back
Having a planned event where you can all come back together, can provide a focus to reconnect. Sharing a meal, arranging a trip or having a night in or out together can be a way to quickly reconnect.
Expect that there might be a period of readjustment
People sometimes need time to readjust to being back at university. Try not to worry if this is the case. It might just take a bit of time to feel comfortable again.
Sometimes things might change
This can be difficult to accept when it happens but it is part of life. You might find a friend wants to spend more time with others and less with you, or that a flatmate seems to be going out a lot with a different group of people. While it may not be what your friend intended, this can feel like a rejection and you may be hurt, angry or upset. It is ok to feel like this but you also don’t have to carry these feelings or let them dictate what you do next.
Take some time to accept how you feel and then you may wish to think about:
Does your friend’s new friendship group offer you any opportunities? Would they welcome you joining them? Could you make some new friends in this way?
Are there other people around you could spend more time with? Could you use the time your friend is with other people to widen your social circle?
I have a small number of friends, they are important to me and I know I could call on them if I needed to. Sometimes I still reflect on our friendships and compare them to what is on social media, and wonder why I don’t have a huge group of friends that are constantly out socialising. I try to remind myself that that isn’t what I want and need all of the time.
Could you talk to your friend about the changes? If so, try to approach this with curiosity about their thoughts and feelings whilst also expressing how you feel about things. Resolving conflict or tension in a relationship can sometimes make it stronger so it can be worth trying to work it through together.
If you reappraise the friendship - was it as close as you thought. First term can create a lot of pressure to make new relationships work. Friendship groups often move around at university and whilst it can be upsetting and unsettling ultimately it can allow you opportunities to find friends who will be closer for longer
Continue to connect with family and friends at home. If you really enjoyed spending time with family and friends during the break and felt that these relationships were really helpful, think about how you might stay connected to these people during the term. This might be a phone call now and again, setting up a chat or even visiting more often.
