Dealing with grief in the holidays
Dealing with grief during the holidays can result in a mixture of feelings. It can be a time of remembrance, rest and connection, but it can also be a time when the absence of someone is felt more than ever. It can be lonely and overwhelming, especially when it feels like everyone else is enjoying themselves. Here we share a few reflections on what it can feel like, as well as some ideas for getting through those difficult moments.
Why might I feel grief more over the holidays?
Changes in routine
A break from university might be the first time we've stopped and slowed down since the beginning of term. This may be welcome in some ways, but we might also miss the focus of our academic course and university routine. New layers of grief often emerge when we lose our usual structure and have time to stop and think.
Changes in accommodation settings
If we’ve lost someone from home, like a family member or a friend we grew up with, then returning during the holidays can be a stark reminder of their absence. Home may not be the relaxed or supportive environment we hope for, and instead be full of memories (happy and sad), triggers, difficult conversations, and silences. For many people, bereavement disrupts the dynamic of a family or friend group, and can cause tension or distance in our relationships.
Some of us may not even have a home to go back to and find ourselves sofa surfing or staying in our university accommodation, a place that gets very quiet during the holidays.
Holiday traditions
There may be certain traditions from this time of year that suddenly feel meaningless or empty without the person who's gone. We can create new traditions and meaningful ways to remember the dead, and enjoy ourselves, but this doesn't always feel possible at first.
Cultural holidays can also create a stark contrast to how we're feeling inside. The decorations and celebratory music can be jarring when we're grieving. The pressure to be feeling joyful is unrealistic for many of us. It can feel frustrating, isolating, and exhausting. On the other hand, the holiday season can offer us small pockets of joy within our grief, and we don’t need to feel guilty about that.
The three Rs of grief and loss
Ideas for taking care of yourself during the holidays
It is important that we find our own way through grief. The process is very personal, and different things will work for different people. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve. How we feel and what we find helpful can even change day by day. Here are a few ideas and tips, but take what you need and leave the rest. You got this.
- Express your thoughts and feelings
It’s normal to feel numb sometimes, or want distractions, but giving ourselves permission to grieve (and experiencing all the messy feelings and thoughts that come with this) is an important process to go through. If we don’t, we may end up feeling heavy, stuck, or experiencing problems later on. Expression could involve talking to a friend, seeking professional help, or joining a support group. If you prefer not to share with others, you could try writing it down or finding a creative outlet.
- Remember the person that has died
You could look at photos, write them a letter, or visit a grave or special place. You can honour old traditions, or make new ones that involve remembering. It can feel painful at first (especially if you had a complex relationship with the person) but finding ways to connect with those who have died can provide clarity and comfort, and help us process grief.
- Rest
Grief can be exhausting. Don’t feel pressured to keep up with your normal routine or with what everyone else is doing. Slowing down gives our bodies and minds space to process emotions.
- Get outside and move
This could be intense exercise or a slow gentle walk. Ask yourself, what would feel good right now? It may not ‘fix’ things, but getting some fresh air and moving our bodies can help shake off some of the heaviness of grief.
- Connect to things you enjoy
While it’s important not to ignore your grief, we all need moments of light relief. Your interests may have changed since experiencing loss, but try to spend some time doing something that brings you a bit of joy. You don’t need to feel guilty about this, it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the person who has died.