The ‘non-binary’ identity: navigating the challenges that come with being a non-binary student

Facts, figures and statistics

Though there isn’t much, there are specialised reports dedicated to non-binary individuals, one of which is the Non-binary Report by the Scottish Trans Alliance. The report used data from a survey administered in 2015, reported by any non-binary people in the UK. Their experiences have been reported, with some statistics highlighting the problems faced by non-binary people. For example, when accessing services such as health support, the most prevalent experiences reported were the following:

• Non-binary individuals felt that they had to pass as male or female to be accepted (80.2%).

• They had the wrong name and pronoun used by mistake for them (66.9%).

• Had been asked questions about non-binary people that made them feel like they were educating others (49.0%).

These experiences are commonly experienced by non-binary people even when accessing services, something that each of us has discussed to varying degrees. Our article may be about our subjective experiences whilst being non-binary, however there are objective facts showing that there are a number of non-binary people who have very similar experiences and challenges.

Gender fluidity

As mentioned, my gender changes constantly. Growing up I never really felt like a “girl”, and thought a lot of feminine things were quite silly. I spent time trying to fit in with the girls in my school, but I simply didn’t like it, and at times it felt like I was pretending to be a girl. When learning about different transgender terms, I figured I was non-binary, but it just didn’t feel like that was the best way to describe it. A friend thought I was agender, but that also didn’t fit. When I learned about what it meant to be genderfluid, it resonated deeply with me, and since then I have used that term to describe my gender identity the most. After some years, it’s now become something I am comfortable with using if anyone ever asks, but so many challenges arose along the way:

First and foremost, pronouns were an immediate challenge. Because there were certain periods where I preferred using he/him, or she/they, or just they/them, I tried to alter social media accounts to reflect this, and let “ally” friends know which I preferred. I received complaints from said friends about how hard it was too keep up, and this just led to a lot of misgendering.

• In the end, I decided that they/them were the only pronouns I truly liked using all the time, as it rarely made me feel uncomfortable.

• I flit between masculine, feminine, and androgynous clothing a lot, which helped me feel more comfortable regardless of other people around me.

• Another idea I liked but tried was different colour bracelets to represent which pronouns you preferred on a given day. It would probably only work with a select few people, but alternatively I could have used pronoun badges.

• I’m not a huge fan of badges as I can’t be as open about my gender identity, so in the end using they/them and dressing in certain styles helped mitigate this issue.

Explaining my gender to others

The next challenge I had was explaining my gender to people. Not many people were familiar with the term, and in general being non-binary leads to a lot of judgement. This can come from both sides of the coin sadly. Cisgender heterosexuals were usually the main culprit, but even in the LGBTQ+ community, some people are determined to make it seem like our identities are fictitious and non-existent.

• I’m not fully open about my gender due to the risks that would come as my family are homophobic and transphobic, so I take care not to tell people my gender identity unless prompted. (I have also used the alias “X” for this article because of this reason.)

• If anyone asks for my pronouns, it’s easy for me to say “they/them” - granted they are LGBTQ+/allies - and if asked, I do like to share that I’m non-binary/genderfluid.

• LGBTQ+ networks at university are usually a safe space despite my earlier point, but I’ve also met and made friends with some amazing transgender students at my university, at trans/non-binary networks, events and spaces.

• At first, it felt like I had to explain myself to people, but over time it became easier to keep my gender identity near and dear to me. I do like to tell people I’m close to, but I find myself defending the concept less and less. It feels insulting, degrading and tiring to constantly defend yourself when you’re just a person, like everyone else.

Deliberating my identity

I spent time questioning what exactly my gender identity was. I deliberated over a number of labels, and picked genderfluid because it genuinely felt like the most suitable term, but I also spent a lot of time questioning myself after that too.

• My fellow co-authors will go into much more detail about this, but imposter syndrome persisted for a while. Every time I thought it left, it would come back like a nasty cold and I would be stuck doubting myself over and over.

• With my gender fluidity, I would go long periods feeling more masculine, and worry that perhaps I was not non-binary after all. The worry gnawed at me, as the labels helped me feel more solid and sure about my identity.

• Other times I felt “absolute nothing-ness” as I liked to describe it. I felt neither masculine or feminine, and that would make my doubts resurface.

• Learning more about gender fluidity made me realise that whether I felt agender on a certain day, or another gender, it was completely normal (albeit confusing!).

• It also helped to talk to non-binary friends about it since a lot of them experienced these feelings of doubt heavily.

The final problem is split into two really. The desire to be a shapeshifter, and the dysphoria that arises from not having the ability to shapeshift. Though this may not be representative of all genderfluid folks, it’s definitely something I struggle with a lot.

• I look pretty androgynous right now, which is great, but I still get that feeling I felt for years when I dress masculine or feminine. Sometimes it will feel like I’m just pretending to be a woman and playing dress up, and other times it feels like I’m trying too hard to pretend to be a man.

• I’ll spend ages in the mirror, frustrated that my outfits don’t feel right, or suitable, and it leaves me feeling pretty awful.

• Unfortunately this didn’t get much better after some time, but I did get used to the process. If a feminine outfit didn’t feel comfortable, I’d take it off and go back to the drawing board and vice-versa.

• I shaved my hair a few years ago which helped massively with the dysphoria even though my parents weren’t a big fan of the choice. I made an excuse as to why I shaved it (maintaining 4C hair was impossible), and got piercings which made me feel much happier about my appearance, regardless of the gender I felt on any given day.

• Things like binders help, and more recently I have ventured into the world of wigs and make-up. I abhor the stuff, but sometimes when I feel feminine, it helps to have things like that around. It doesn’t feel like I’m pretending anymore, but going on an adventurous trip to feel pretty every now and again.