Supporting my wellbeing as a neurodivergent mature student

Society says to be yourself, but in the same breath will be like, no no not like that.

How am I meant to be authentically me,

when this is not what society wants me to be

Is success just this singular road

Or are there other paths just slightly less towed.

My name is Hannah and I have returned to education after having to drop out at 16. I am studying Inclusive Performance at Chickenshed Theatre, which is an inclusive professional theatre. Having taken a different route I have always felt the weight of the ‘age obsession’ and my path to this point in life has been rocky to say the least but has also inspired my drive for activism. As someone who has often felt embarrassed about my age, especially in relation to education- stepping back into education was a very daunting prospect. I did it last year when I did my foundation in musical theatre however, I think I was so shell shocked, anxious and overwhelmed after over 5 years out, that I didn’t quite process what was going on around me! This year however I have definitely been more acutely aware.

I think there are a number of factors why this has happened, but a theme that seems to run through in different ways has been my age. By no means am I at 24 a ‘mature’ student but in terms of education I am classed as one- we all know people can go to uni at any age but there can feel like a big gap at least to begin with. It’s also something that I feel is rarely spoken about, the times I have brought it up, I am usually met with ‘age is just a number, we’ve had 40-year-olds on the course, or you’re all at the same stage- there are really mature 18-year-olds!’ And while all of those stand true, it doesn’t invalidate the feeling of not fitting in or belonging. It's a very individual feeling and one that is hard to articulate but those who have been there will understand where I am coming from. They are common feelings amongst those of us going through it. I definitely felt quite alone in this but seeing others posting about it was really reassuring.

Starting anything new is often very overwhelming and when moving to uni I found I had lots of new, new things all in one go! As a neurodivergent person with C-PTSD this is only heightened.

Whatever age you are, many of us still have the same worries and fears. For me as I am not in halls- nobody is on my course, I think that adds to the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think for me that has been the biggest challenge starting uni as a young ‘mature’ student- the feeling of isolation and being alone. Loneliness is something I have experienced a lot but also as someone who finds socialising extremely exhausting, it has come as a bit of a surprise how the loneliness and isolation has hit me. I think this is where I have felt my age and the most out of touch with my peers. Doing a course which isn’t at a uni has both its positives and negatives- for me the negatives are massively out weighed but I have found the initial lack of community really hard. I think it’s been this that has made me fixate on my age more and added to those thoughts and feelings of self-doubt as well as being neurodivergent/disabled. It's as though I am not coping as well as those who are younger than me. Now don’t get me wrong, age is an irrelevancy, support needs vary and chronological age cannot be used as the barometer and that is before you get into the fact that everyone copes differently. I think realising this has helped me to be kinder to myself. Now I am a few months in, I have also realised how my c-ptsd has played probably an even bigger part in the challenges I have felt. Discovering the impact of my trauma and acknowledging it has been the biggest turning point in my uni journey so far. It may sound cliche but the work I have done on myself personally has been one of the most eye opening. The more I know about myself the better equipped I feel in relation to going forward. Authenticity has been the biggest part of this, and then having the inner strength to follow what I believe. As I have worked out what I truly like or don’t, I have been able to ask for what I need more concisely and confidently. It has allowed me to set boundaries and trying to be in spaces that allow me to be who I am. Of course its a journey, but as I have become more confident in who I am, I am able to worry less about how other people perceive me. The biggest practical help in respect to this is who I choose to surround myself with, I find I have different people to fulfil different needs and this is what works best for me. I have my in uni friends, I have my best friends, I have people I dance with, people I create with, people I just message, people I have long deep chats with, people to sit and put the worlds to rights. Connection has been a big part of feeling less isolated, but its not just been in the way that I expected. For me it isn’t about being around people, but having meaningful connections which tie to the world.

It was this that looking back explains why I really struggled in the first few week with the concept of others struggling but just hiding it better. As someone who used to be very highly masking to the point of complete burnout and years in and out of psychiatric inpatient units, I have always been the one to just ‘hide it’. I used to always hide it but now I can’t. However much I try I can no longer fix such a high-level mask. I can and still very much do mask a lot- but now even with all my effort people can still tell. They don’t mean it in a horrible way and they are often like it’s so good you don’t feel you have to hide it but I guess that is a bit of a double-edged sword. And then when you and being much older, it can definitely let the voice of not being good enough, weird, odd and different get very much louder. However, what I have realised is that this speaks to a much bigger societal issue and also the crux of where this age insecurity was set- self-acceptance, authenticity and identity. As a neurodivergent advocate and true inclusion activist, I speak often about my own journey and that it is very much a journey and not a destination. Starting something new at any age can unsettle your sense of self and make you question things, I think this is totally normal and by knowing that it helps to sit with those feelings easier.

With this in mind, it allowed me to look at other aspects of uni life I was struggling with. I am someone who can do things independently however it takes at least probably 5 times the work. As someone who used to be very highly masking to the point of complete burnout and years in and out of psychiatric inpatient units, I have always been the one to just ‘hide it’. I used to always hide it but now I can’t. However much I try I can no longer fix such a high-level mask. I feel like I am on guard constantly, and I can never truly switch off. It is truly exhausting and of course leaves us much more likely to tip over the edge even at the smallest things. Having a support system is vital, getting to know people in your new place and making staff aware of your access needs. I created my own support passport which I felt truly reflected me and meant I could personalise it to my needs and requirements. I have my essentials which I take with me everywhere I go- ear defenders, loops earplugs, communication cards (which I made myself), a fiddle toy, wipes and my teddy. I also became very aware of my inability to problem solve when distressed, so I had a chat with staff about having really honest conversations when I was feeling okay about what to do if I wasn’t, as in those moments I was likely to be able to ask for what I needed. This definitely helps. I also sent my tutors information about my conditions and shared my poetry which really helped them understand me better.

But despite all of these it was and will still be really hard, it may well feel isolating and overwhelming but you will be okay. This is something I have to remind myself every single day, sometimes multiple times! I know I am capable even when I don’t feel it but I also know that I do need to ask for help. Asking for help is hard, the narrative around going to uni can be one of that’s it, independence- you need to do it all yourself now and that doesn’t have to be true. Of course, everyone’s circumstances are different but I am lucky that I still have my mum- yes she is over 200 miles away but she is also only a phone call away. I am lucky she understands me and my difficulties and together we are working out ways to help me cope. Her support can look like her sometimes coming and helping me clean, or bulk buying food to name just a few examples. This support doesn't make me spoiled or any less capable or successful, support looks different to everyone and asking and taking help should not be seen as a negative. It’s this narrative which adds to disabled people feeling penalised and our independence decreasing. It may help taking some time to think about what help could look like to you and where you may be able to get that support. If you aren’t sure, perhaps approach it with your university or talk to a trusted person in your life. There are lots of different kinds of support out there, so it’s worth investigating to see how they can help you.

Another way I prioritise my mental health and needs is by having a safe space to come back to. This is essential for me and I am super lucky again that already my new room is well on the way to feeling like a safe haven. These things take time, but I have decorated to make it as me as possible with as many of my comforts as I could bring! For someone whose home is not a place but a feeling I do think this is actually made a little easier. I wrote a blog about my experiences of starting uni and looking back at it- this is what I wrote- The first week I didn’t join any of my classes, week two- one day when writing this, in my own way I joined two classes.

Reading this some may think that’s ridiculous as a uni student however for me that was truly the biggest accomplishment. Everything is baby steps. I have to remember where I have come from and what I have been through. We are forever our harshest critics but I am proud of you. It’s always hard to begin with but if we never begin, we never know where we will end up.